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Entries in Camping (3)

Tuesday
Sep042012

Guilty Pleasure, Campbell's Golden Mushroom 

A campground staple, condensed soup. But no ordinary soup, Golden Mushroom Soup and a guilty pleasure of mine. And yes, I murdered a tomato on that cutting board, its seeds and juice were everywhere.

It has a variety of uses, not just in the backcountry, but in everyday households.

Wanna spice up boring old potatoes gratin? Pour in a can of Golden Mushroom Soup! Beef Pan drippings got you down? Don't fret, pour in a can of Golden Mushroom Soup and your guests will swear your gravy was homemade and perfect with those mashed potatoes.

Doctor says you have high blood pressure? Nothing to worry about, use Golden Mushroom soup, it now has "less sodium". Less meaning a quarter of your allowance for the day.

I'm also a fan of Golden Mushroom's cousin, Cream of Mushroom.

Monday
Aug272012

Campground Toilet Paper, Tougher than Chuck Norris?

As we all know, there are several facts about Chuck Norris on the web. Here are a few:

“Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories”

“Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the crap out of it”

“Chuck Norris doesn’t need Twitter, he’s already following you”

Mr. Norris might be able to scare the crap out of a toilet, but what about his own backside?  I may have found something tougher than Chuck Norris, Campground Toilet Paper (CTP).

CTP is rough, tough and doesn’t take crap off of anyone, including Chuck Norris. In fact, campground toilet paper is so tough, it has to be secured with a Master Lock and bolted to a concrete wall with steel bars! CTP is a silent killer. CTP requires you to use IT and you're powerless to resist. CTP just sits there, waiting for you to lock the door behind you, trapping you in that filthy place.

 

Rumor has it, some campgrounds have simply stopped providing toilet paper to campers. The State of California wants you to believe it's about budget cuts, but I think the preverbial bung hole goes deeper. Reports indicate that CTP has injured numerous seniors acting as Campground Hosts and the AARP has filed lawsuits in Federal Court regarding unsafe working conditions.

PETA has also filed lawsuits against the makers of CTP as feral raccoons, skunks, rabbits, and even bears have been injured through the incidental contact with CTP in the wild. You've heard of "Pack it in, Pack it out" haven't you? It's not a coincidence.

Let’s look at some basic facts about using Campground Toilet Paper.

When you or Mr. Norris tries to use CTP, it often tears one tissue at a time; never leaving the roll freely; hanging on for dear life; torturing its user, one agonizing tissue at a time. Oh, there might be three rolls of CTP for your “convenience” in each stall, but when have you noticed an empty roll? Never!

When you’ve fought for each and every sandpaper-like square of paper and decide to finally apply it to your soiled and unclean backside, you’re reminded of CTP’s toughness, its roughness, not just at the moment of wiping but hours later from the burning and chaffing it has caused to sensitive areas of your posterior. Not even Chuck Norris is immune to Campground Toilet Paper’s effects! The burning! The itching! THE PAIN!

But there is a remedy, an answer to the chaffing, rash, and irritation of Campground Toilet Paper…a personal, industrial sized package of fresh Cottonelle…Soft, soothing, blissful. A hint of civilization in the woods.

Bless the scientists at Kimberly-Clark, the makers of Cottonelle, for their contribution to society.

And the bitter irony…Kimberly-Clark also makes Campground Toilet Paper!

Let the conspiracy begin…

Saturday
Aug062011

The Cured Ham Camps

I've always loved camping, backpacking, and the outdoors in general. I typically hike every day and usually at altitude. I get a great workout in, see wonderful places, and when I get back to camp eat anything I want.

Unfortunately, I've camped less in the last two years than I have in the last 10. I don't think I slept in the dirt or under the stars in all of 2010. These comments may shock some as my usual posts on the world of food and travel are far more glamourous, Michelin Dining, 5 Star Hotels, and one too many a flight on United.

Well, there is a softer, simple side of The Cured Ham. A side that appreciates the smell of a campfire, drinking and eating out of the same insulated mug each day, and cooking the most basic of meals, which does NOT include dehydrated backpacking food. Scratch cooking each night, with the assistance of a few cans of tuna or tomatoes.

I have to walk to get water, lock my food up in a bear locker, and wash dishes (no Bosch washer here) immediately after I finish cooking and eating. Not quite all the comforts of home...but the view is unparalleled (Rock Creek Lake, CA).