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Entries in comedy (1)

Sunday
Jun302013

Public Service Message: Beware the Snack Cracker

Headline: Wheat Thin nearly kills Fresno woman!

Reported on June 19th at 9:42am; a Fresno woman was recently gored by a common household cracker, the Wheat Thin. Injuries to her mouth were severe, in addition to on-going psychological damage. She described the experience as traumatic. She claims she can “fit 10 crackers in her mouth at one time”. She also shared her experience on Facebook. The woman claimed to simply bite down when the Wheat Thin attacked her. According to the victim, this was not the first time Wheat Thins have caused her pain.

Since the initial report on Facebook, several more victims have stepped forward claiming similar violence from potato chips, tortilla chips, pita crisps and other common household snacks.

I too have been victimized by household snack crackers, the Wasa Cracker.

Of German origin and made with German precision, the Wasa Cracker is a 4”x1” rectangle and perfectly crisp. Each of the four corners of the Wasa Cracker is razor sharp. Insert the cracker into your mouth at the wrong angle or try to take too big a bite straight on...Wasa Blitzkrieg!

As there are mandatory warnings for everything from dairy and peanut allergy sufferers, should there not be a warning for sharp objects inserted into the mouth, like Snack Crackers? For legal reasons, warning labels are ubiquitous these days. Why not:

Warning:

Snack crackers have been known to cause severe dental and mouth injuries. Additionally, psychological damage may occur if you do indeed cut yourself with a snack cracker or even anticipate being cut. If you experience Post Traumatic Stress, please seek appropriate medical attention. Snack crackers have sharp edges, insert into mouth with caution. Never grab the point of a snack cracker with your fingers, as the edges are sharp and could cause injury to your fingers. Never blindly put your hand in a snack cracker package, always pour crackers from the bag onto a hard, flat surface, preferably stainless steel or granite. Never leave an open package of snack crackers unattended. Children under the age of 12 should not handle snack crackers. Pregnant women should keep a minimum safe distance from snack crackers. Do not take large bites of snack crackers. Please notify you dentist if you eat snack crackers regularly. If you eat snack crackers for more than 4 hours, please see your doctor immediately. The application of dips, sauces, salsas or other liquids have not proven to soften snack crackers and may increase your risk of injury. If you are a hemophiliac, do not eat snack crackers. Never look directly at the point of a snack cracker. Eat snack crackers at your own risk.

This has been a Public Service Message from The Cured Ham