In light of my recent review, utter SHAME, ignorance, and heresy for not trying pork skin linguini with cuttlefish, the Food God’s have decided to punish me with the usual dose of Greek irony. A long-time friend of mine (it’s always the close friends…like Lancelot or Judas) and reader of The Cured Ham, acted as the Divine Interlocutor of the Food Gods. He didn’t ask me what I wanted for lunch today, it simply came to the office.
I have never had Popeye’s Chicken. I don’t want Popeye’s Chicken. Eating Popeye’s is obviously punishment for my weakness, my ignorance for Friday’s transgression at Trelio.
Sides…in order of desirability:
Red Beans and Rice: Easily the best side of the day. A pleasant back palate of smoke and spice, nearing a refried bean consistency overall; I quite enjoyed them.
Coleslaw: They hit this one right down the middle of the fairway for average palates. Wet, sweet, crunchy and slightly acidic. Not light on the mayo or Miracle Whip or whatever they use. It’s a mouthful of goo with crunchy stuff in it and will probably lube my lower intestinal track to adolescent efficiency.
Zatarans Popcorn Shrimp: Hopefully, the one I tried, was deep fried enough for me not to die tomorrow. Breading was tasty.
Biscuit: KFC Biscuits are better and so are Grands biscuits out of the doomsday container. The biscuits tasted of raw flour and grease…not “buttered” flavoring. Someone needs to go back to Dow Chemical or whatever company to get Butter Flavoring Number 789-B. Or the simple solution; use real F'ing butter.
Mashed Potatoes and Gravy: I took one quarter teaspoon of this “stuff” and immediately declared it an ABOMONATION! I’m not sure what these whipped white things with gravy were, but they weren’t potatoes. The same thing McDonald’s milk shakes are made of? Soylent White? Bleached Sawdust? Never again. The gravy was probably a derivative of the white goo they used in the coleslaw...aka bowel lubricant.
Grape Jelly: Why? In a ketchup packet? Really?
Pride Buttery Spread: from the Ventura Foods Website “Pride Light Buttery Spread is also the only spread that is completely allergen-free (no soy, dairy or gluten) and is Kosher Parve and Vegan.” Vegans Worldwide Rejoice!
Chicken Leg: Crispy outside…moist inside. Actually, pretty damn good.
Chicken Thigh: Crispy outside…moist inside. This can’t be true…can it?
Chicken Breast: Crispy outside…moist inside. A dose of irony? This chicken is actually good. This isn’t a McDonald’s hamburger or Starbuck’s Coffee or a Taco from Taco Bell…this chicken is actually good. Frying chicken at home stinks up the house, requires several steps, a cast iron pan or deep fat fryer.
What have we learned?
- Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
- The Food Gods love irony and will have their vengeance.
- Don’t pass up the pork skin linguini.
- Popeye’s fried chicken isn’t half bad.